Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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