how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
