So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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