you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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