i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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