Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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