he wants to bone in the snuggie
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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