Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they're like a gay fantastic four
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize