'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
