I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
