after a month anything with tits is on the radar
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
