You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
