a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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