We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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