My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sorry about my life...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize