Sorry, I don't speak sober.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
