just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You can't special order awesome
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
