I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
