dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
