My Higher Power is John Stamos
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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