Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
