someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
