While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
