MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
