dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
