Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
