I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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