u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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