Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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