I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
