I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
