Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
