I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
