WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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