Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
