I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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