u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
