I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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