Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
