So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
