There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
