Apparently you make a good broom.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize