I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
