I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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