Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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