True but thats because hes a fetus.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
