I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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