i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
