You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize