I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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