mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
