so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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