Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
