I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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