3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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