I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
