Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
